NS: The Princess Bride 14

The Princess Bride
NaruSaku Style

Chapter 14: The Miracle Man

Chouji broke the shackles on Naruto's ankles and wrists and lifted him off the table, then followed Shikamaru back up to the forest. After walking back into town, Shikamaru began asking around for a miracle man, giving the excuse that they needed to find him for a cure for fainting spells. Finally, they were pointed in the right direction and found a small hut on the outskirts of the village.
Shikamaru knocked on the little door and looked at Chouji, who shrugged. After a second of waiting, a small window in the door was opened. A grey haired old man with two red stripes running down his face from his eyes looked out.
"Go away, what? What?" he cried, looking at the odd trio of men. One was slender and carried a sword, one very large, and one very limp, so much so that the large one was reduced to carrying him.
"Are you the Miracle Man, Jiriaya, who worked for the king all those years?" asked Shikamaru.
"The King's stinking son fired me," growled Jiraiya. "And thank you for bring up such a painful subject. While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it. We're closed!" Jiraiya slammed the little window shut. Shikamaru wasting no time in knocking on the door again.
"Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad!" barked Jiraiya, opening his little window again.
"I'm on the brute squad," said Chouji.
"You are the brute squad," said Jiraiya, looking up at Chouji with wide eyes.
Shikamaru stepped forward. "We need a miracle," he said. "And it's very important."
"Look, I'm retired," retorted Jiraiya. "And besides, why would you want someone the king's stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle."
"He's already dead," said Shikamaru, shrugging.
"He is, huh?" asked Jiraiya, his interest peaking. "I'll take a look. Bring him in."
Jiraiya opened the door and allowed the two men in. Chouji laid Naruto on a table in the middle of the room and Jiraiya began to examine him. Finally, he looked up.
"I've seen worse," said the old man and he began prodding and poking Naruto's chest, muttering to himself.
"Sir," said Shikamaru, trying to get Jiraiya's attention. "Sir?"
Jiraiya looked up.
"We're in a terrible rush," said Shikamaru.
"Don't rush me sonny," growled Jiriaya. "You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?"
"Sixty-five."
"Sheesh!" cried Jiraiya. "I never worked for so little. Except once, and that was a very noble cause.
"This is noble sir," pleaded Shikamaru. "His wife is…crippled. The children are on the brink of starvation."
"Are you a rotten liar!"
Shikamaru grew angry. "I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years."
"You're first story was better," scoffed Jiraiya. "Where's that bellows crammed. He probably owes you money, huh? Well I'll ask him." Jiraiya scuffled through what looked like a bunch of junk until he pulled out a bellows.
"He's dead," said Shikamaru, confused. "He can't talk."
"HO HO HO! Look who knows so much, heh?" bellowed Jiraiya. "Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth." Chouji did as told and held Naruto's mouth open while Jiriaya pumped the bellows and filled Naruto's lungs with air. "Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead…well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing you can do."
"What's that?" asked Shikamaru.
"Go through his clothes and look for loose change," said Jiraiya, grinning. He pulled the bellows out of Naruto's mouth and leaned close to his ear.
"Hey! Hello in there! Hey!" cried Jiraiya, earning some very confused looks from Shikamaru and Chouji. "What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?" Jiraiya pushed down on Naruto's chest and no one could mistake what he said.
"Tr..ooo…luv…" was the words that escaped from Naruto's lifeless lips. Shikamaru was positively giddy.
"'True love' you heard him!" he cried. "You could not ask for a more noble cause than that!"
Jiraiya didn't skip a beat. "Yeah true love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT—mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe." Jiraiya smacked his lips. "They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said—he distinctly said "To blave" and as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably plaing cards, and he cheated—"
Before Jiraiya could finish his sentence, a blonde older woman with overly large breasts stormed into the room.
"Liar! Liar! Liar!" she cried, poking Jiraiya in the chest.
"Get back, witch!" cried Jiraiya.
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife!" screamed the woman. "but after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore!"
"You never had it so good!" said Jiraiya, grinning.
"True love, he said "True Love", Jiraiya!"
"Not another work, Tsunade!" barked Jiraiya, trying to get her to shut up.
"He's afraid," Tsunade said, turning to Chouji and Shikamaru. "Ever since Prince Sasuke fired him, his confidence is shattered!"
"Why'd you say that name!?" cried Jiraiya. "You promised me that you would never say that name!"
"What, Sasuke?"
"Aaaigh!" Jiraiya ran around the room, trying very hard not to listen to Tsunade.
"Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke!" over and over Tsunade screamed, chasing Jiriaya around the table, acting like straight up children. Shikamaru and Chouji looked at each other.
"I'm not listening!" cried Jiraiya, putting his hands over his ears.
"You're life's expiring!" cried Tsunade. "and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help!"
"Nobody's hearing nothing!" barked Jiraiya, still trying to run away from Tsunade.
"Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!"
Finally, Shikamaru thought this was a good time to interrupt.
"This is Sakura's true love!" he yelled above the old couple. "If you heal him, he will stop Sasuke's wedding!"
Jiraiya instantly turned to Shikamaru, grinning broadly.
"Enough!" he said to Tsunade. "Wait, wait. I make him better, Sasuke suffers?"
"Humiliations galore," said Shikamaru.
"HA HA HA!" cried Jiraiya happily. "That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five! I'm on the job!"
"Hoo-woo!" cried Tsunade.
A few minutes later, the miracle pill was made. Tsunade took it from Jiraiya and coated it with chocolate.
"That's a miracle pill?" asked Shikamaru.
Tsunade nodded, grinning. "The chocolate coating makes it go down easier," she said, putting the pill in a baggy. "But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go swimming for at least—"
"An hour—" piped in Jiraiya.
"Yeah, and hour—"
"A good hour."
Shikamaru took the pill while Chouji lifted Naruto off the table.
"Thank you for everything," said Shikamaru. He and Chouji left off towards the castle.
"Bye-bye, boys!" said Tsunade, waving and grinning.
"Have fun storming the castle!" cried Jiraiya, also waving and grinning.
"Think it'll work?" asked Tsunade, looking to Jiraiya.
"It would take a miracle," said Jiraiya. The both shrugged and continued waving.